just hold it in

Saturday was one of those days where i just had to hold back the tears and i now Phil was too.
It was Karauna's(my cousin) 21st birthday, we had planned on making the day extra special for her by taking her out for lunch.. given that her husband is going through his second round of chemo and her mum has just had a heart attack at age 42..we figured she deserved it.
unfortunately Phil who had just started his 2nd round of chemo last week,had stopped eating ans was throwing up every five minutes. Phil who was normally very dark skinned was now a pale shade of white.
In the end, it was so devastating.. the look on his face said it all. he had been so strong throughout this whole ideal, he hadn't cried, he had been so strong but today he couldn't hide it, we watched as he fought back the tears..then quietly muttered.."i wanted today to be special.. to give you just one day where we could all pretend that none of this was happening.."
my heart dropped somewhere deep into what felt like the pit of my stomach. we all knew he had to be back in hosptial and we couldn't waste anytime..it had to be today.

he asked Karauna to carry on with her day- to celebrate as if he was there. but it wasn't the same. HOw could we when the person we loved wan't there to share one of the milestones of life.